Ooops, I Did It Again!

Do you ever find yourself wondering – much like Brittany did in her song, back in the day when singing, dancing and her skimpy outfits were all she was famous for: “Why did I do that again?”

I do. More often than I care to admit.

Why in the world do I insist on repeating the same behavior that:
a) gets me in trouble, and / or
b) makes me look like an idiot (or a bigger one), and / or
c) causes me to hate my own stubborn guts?

And when the deed is done, and the dirt is smeared all over my reddened face, I solemnly s-w-e-a-r never to do it again. Ever.

But I still do.

Take the first months of this year, for example. I found myself doing the same things that about did me in last year, when I devoted the better part of 2009 preparing for my Federal Interpreter’s Certification Exam. Since this infamous test is so difficult to pass – in fact most of its victims fail it on their first try – I spent month after month either studying or stressing about it, obsessed and determined I wouldn’t suffer the same fate as those who went before me.

Last year, I quit going to the gym. I barely prayed or read my Bible. I pretty much ignored my family, locking myself in my room to study almost every evening, right after supper. I let go of my house, pets, yard, laundry and finances. During my commute to work, instead of listening to uplifting worship music or to my beloved books on CD, I practiced, practiced, practiced with my Interpretapes. I got so crazy, I even listened to lists of vocabulary I had taped, repeating each word over and over – like a parrot on crack – while taking a shower, doing my hair, brushing my teeth or putting on my makeup.

Crazy does not even begin to describe how bad I got. It is no wonder my family deemed it prudent not to disturb mommy except when they really had to. A matter of self-preservation, simple intuition or pure smarts, I suppose.

Thankfully, after I took the exam, I dropped all the nonsense and strived to regain whatever level of normalcy, kindness and sanity I’d once possessed. But it took quite a while. I had neglected my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being for so long, that getting back to normal (though “normal” has never been the best word to describe this blogger) took long weeks of intense TLC.

Despite sacrificing so much, I still couldn’t “make it happen.” Yes, I failed the stupid test. (And nobody dare saying anything along the lines of, “tests are not stupid, people are” cause I might smack you, and I’d much rather we stayed friends.)

Let us fast forward instead to January of 2010 – five meager months after becoming yet another victim of the Federal Certification Exam. Once again, my friend Nic and I began to meet regularly to practice for THE TEST. And though the painful memories of ill effects suffered from severe neglect were very much alive, once again I started acting all crazy – not praying, or reading my Bible, or working out as often as I should’ve, and isolating friends and family – all for the sake of a passing grade.

By the end of February the same symptoms I had experienced last year came back with a vengeance: feeling excessive fatigued, overwhelmed by simple every-day chores, emotionally dry, spiritually empty, feeling removed, and not very patient with my poor family.

For Heaven’s sake, will I ever get it! Is it impossible for someone my age to gain any knowledge from her errors? Humans in general are obstinate. Jesus’ disciples were slower than my ice dispenser. The early people of Israel were ridiculously headstrong. But – when it comes to stubbornness and the inability to learn from one’s multiple mistakes – I , Ana Claudia Ortega Burgos de Stine, sure surpass them all!

Didn’t Paul say something along those lines?

Romans 7:19,

For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

So true.

Thank goodness there is still hope for hardheaded people like me! Such hope lays on Someone who is mightier than the strongest of wills, who extends mercy beyond what we will ever deserve. Thanks be to God, the Apostle exclaims on verse 25, through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Yes, thanks be to God! I might be mulishly thick and unbelievably slow. But there still remains a place in my heart that cries out for God’s will to be fulfilled. And He still honors even my weakest prayer. So when I started going nutso once again, our faithful Lord whispered in my ear: It isn’t worth it. Try putting your trust in Me this time.

And so I saw the light. Thank you, God! And I managed to realize that studying hard is ok, but completely letting go of everything else – including my blog – is not.

Hence this long, convoluted explanation to why I haven’t posted anything since December, and how I plan to get back on the swing of things. The old Ana is back!

I’ve gone back to spending time with those I care about – including God. I do practice with my Interpretapes during my commute, but only on the way back home. On my way to work, I enjoy listening to worship music, recognizing that this is good for my soul. And in the evening, instead of memorizing legal terminology, I read for sheer pleasure. Oh, yeah.

Do you know what I’ve discovered as of lately? That the time I spend studying seems so much more productive when I take care of myself. And I’m way more pleasant and happier when I put my trust in God instead of in my own strives to make things happen.

I’m about to get up and move on to the next item on my to-do list. But this time I’m not feeling overwhelmed. Instead, I’m taking a deep breath, exhaling very slowly. A glace through my window lets me know that the weather outside is beautiful. Taking my dog Princess for a walk will be a delight. I can hear the birds chirping and the wind blowing. Can’t help but smile. The soft tumble of my dryer reminds me it’s time to put laundry away. I’m alive again.